When I was younger my grandmother lived in Toronto. She would come visit most weekends and every Sunday we would drop her off at the Grey Hound station.
With my arms wrapped tightly around her, tears would fill my eyes and fears would enter my mind. At that time in my life, my parents weren’t the reliable structures that a young child needs. My grandmother felt like safety and stability, and as she would walk onto that bus, I felt all of that safety and stability go with her.
That was my first feeling of abandonment.
Over the years, I have felt my fears of abandonment grow and grow with each change that life threw at me. My mom going off to school, my dad going away to better himself, boyfriends leaving, friends moving, bosses changing jobs.
But 2021 has brought so many changes and has so many triggers for the little girl who longs for the safety and stability of her grandmothers arms.
My dog died of cancer in April.
My boss got a new job.
My boyfriend and I got into a fight that we never recovered from.
My best friend moved across the country.
My favourite coworker got a new job.
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I wrote this at the beginning of summer. I thought about my abandonment and wasn’t sure how to put it into words – the hurt child within me wanted to cry and scream for all to hear.
As I reflect on this year, feeling the changes of the ever growing landscape that we call life. I release that energy. I heal and love the parts of me that see these changes as loss – a familiar victimization of circumstance.
I miss my boy, Roscy, everyday but I know he is free and having fun.
My previous manager is doing amazing work in her new role and left us with an amazing new manager.
My now ex-boyfriend is still a dear friend but I look back on who we were together and see the incompleteness our hearts must have felt.
My best friend looks happier than ever. She appears free and lives her best life. My first visit is booked and we update each other on our lives each chance we get.
My favourite coworker has yet to start her new job but I know once we are back to reality she’ll still be my #1 gym buddy.
These are the changes of life and I know these people moving and growing in my life may not seem large but to the little girl inside it can feel like the familiar feeling of abandonment. It ignites fear in my mind and I’m no longer a woman nearing her 30s but rather the small child looking for her parents.
But today I am at peace and I feel joy for all of the changes that have happened. I look forward to the unknowing future with the biggest smile – my life is filled with love.
Ambrace 