Cheers to 1 Year!

A journey.

A cause.

A saving grace.

________________

I wake in the morning with muddled thoughts. The delusions of who I was the night before. I cling to the toilet for dear life.

I’m sick again.

Head pounding – I spend another morning wondering who I could be. I stop. I eat. I sleep.

Evening rolls around and I’m the same carousel as the day before.

I’m exhausted.

________________

I have spent 14 years of my life taken by a bottle.

I have cried at the tables of bosses, family, counsellors, school staff and friends to fight with me, to give me another chance.

I have begged to be the girl I was before to a entity that watched me sign my life’s contract.

Only to learn this was an experience I had to grow through.

________________

From the human perspective it was my trauma that got me here.

I’ve dabbled in every sort of escapism that man could conjure up.

Drinking is what took me to forgotten lands. The land of no trauma, no memories. Each drink removed another layer until there was nothing left. Not even my soul was their to riddle the memory.

_______________

My drinking career didn’t end with just one big fall. It was a thousand little ones that exhausted me to the point of no return.

Big fights, failed attempts, lost relationships, late mornings and my own broken heart.

I didn’t go to AA right away, I didn’t lean on the support of family and friends. I wasn’t even planning on quitting.

I did dry Feb as a challenge with a coworker. I hadn’t been sober for a month since I was hospitalized at the age of 15. So I thought why not? I’ll drink after the challenge is done.

But March came and I was happier than I had ever been, I was sleeping better, my weekends were productive, I was coherent and not saying things I didn’t mean. I was for the most part, me again.

The months just kept rolling by, I struggled to find support in the arms of the ones I loved most as I watched them drink in front of me. I felt unsupported and lost but I knew I needed to do this for me.

So I kept going and today is my one year. I sit in my living room writing this, alone with my pets and I fill my heart with gratitude for how far I’ve come.

My heart is full as I look around my cozy apartment with decorations that I’ve put up, walls that I’ve painted, and sober celebratory treats from my best friend on the counter.

I look at my pets, who I love so much and have so much more patience and time for then ever before.

I’m taking a course in school while working full time, a dream I had but could never fulfil.

I make time for my family.

My temper has subsided.

I listen and remember more about each person that I love.

I read every day.

I have a routine, morning and night.

I have a good relationship where we talk about our feelings and our future.

I make time for myself and I listen to my body.

I am in love with my life, no matter the struggle.

These are all the things I never could’ve imagined just one year ago.

I have everything I could ever need. I am happy, I am fulfilled, I am loved.