Its been a week since I wrote my initial post and over a week since Roscoe’s diagnoses.
In that time I’ve been able to process more emotions, on a deeper level and I’ve had some more thoughts on loss.
You cannot live life without love and loss.
The First of the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism is Suffering. The inevitability of suffering: aging, sickness, death, experiencing unpleasant events, physical suffering, mental suffering, and the suffering of happiness.
(Now, I won’t pretend to be an expert in Buddhism but I learn when I can and have picked up some information from others who know more than I along the way.)
When I think of suffering, its the pain, its the angst, the deep feeling of ‘when will this end’, when time slows and you’ve separated from reality. These moments of pain are apart of life the same way moments of joy and happiness are apart of life.
Over my life I have tried to comprehend loss. Loss of youth, loss of relationships, loss of life.
We are moving through constant evolvement. Change is happening all around us (whether we see it or not, whether we wish it to or not). Birth and Death are all around us. Its consistent.
The death of a season, the rebirth of the next. New life and death. Death of old thought patterns, birth of a new version of you.
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I was stopped at a construction area, I noticed them removing grass and small trees to widen the road. Death of nature to improve the quality of human life. A death of nature, a birth of human ease. This is isn’t uncommon, we kill so we can “thrive”.
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When I think of loss, I think of joy. The reason I’ve experienced pain due to loss is because I’ve enjoyed my time in that situation or with that person or animal. There are boat loads of loving memories and suffering at the end is a result of that happiness.
I was extremely sad when I left college but it birthed a new me. A career Amber.
When I quit drinking I missed the free flowing party girl but again it birthed a new me. A free flowing sober Amber.
I’ve looked in the mirror and noticed the changes from my youth. Lines and wrinkles are proof of a life well lived. We get smile lines and crows feet.. all from laughing. Some lines are from thinking to hard and stressing over things we cannot change. Be thankful for both; it shows you are human.
I’ve broken my own heart one too many times in relationships but I’ve always gained something from that loss. Characteristics I enjoyed in a companion and other characteristics.. not so much. Memories and moments shared with another human we may never interact with again (in this lifetime) or perhaps we share awkward encounters at social gatherings with mutual friends with the knowing we have experienced a life together.
I’ve lost family and friends to the inevitable. The permanency of death (the death of your physical body) still boggles my mind and I haven’t quite grappled with it yet. However, I was taught from a young age that death was a natural process in life. We have a sacred fire for when someone passes on, it’s lit for 4 days to help guide their way home. These sacred fires are so healing, they provide a sense of closure. You sit with loved ones or sometimes just the fire keeper and share stories. There’s always laughter, natives laugh about nearly anything and the laughter is healing. After our funerals and different ceremonies we’ll feast and the first plate that is served is the feast plate for the spirits. We are always honouring our Ancestors. So as difficult as it is for me to comprehend death, I am grateful for teachings that help to heal broken hearts.
We do this thing as humans where we compare. Compare happiness. Compare bodies. Compare minds. The list goes on of what we compare but I think one of the saddest things we compare is pain. I said to my one of my very closest and best humans “my pain is irrelevant to yours because you’ve experience worse” she said back to me “your pain is your pain and it hurts, just because mine is worse doesn’t make yours any less painful”. When she said that to me it was like the world had dropped and I could feel whatever I needed to in that moment.
We all experience suffering in different lights, to different degrees but we’ve all experienced suffering.
As I reread the title of this post. Full of Life.
What does it mean to be Full of Life?
When I thought of it, I thought of my bouncing, joyful, no care pup.
But when I think of the human experience.
Full of Life can mean various things. To have experienced joy, laughter, pain, sorrow. The wind in your hair, the sun on your face, the rain on your skin, the dirt beneath your toes.
And of course to have loved and lost. Witnessing birth and death of self (ego) and others.
What does it mean to you.. to be Full of Life?
Ambrace 